DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
out when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into
the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the
hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair
at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet
of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands
free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying
to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was
wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of
chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
AND THE 1998 WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly,
and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil
enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to
help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of
those freak accidents that happen."
LOS ANGELES,
CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed
on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal
firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite.
They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a
window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion
shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki
needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While
walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of
suffocation en-route to the hospital.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was
charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his
beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a
game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An
unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on asequined pastie he had orally
removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was
going to eat it, "the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was
really drunk."
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at
the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it
would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of
the Darwin Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at
the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was
taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
RENTON, WASHINGTON,
USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his
first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of
violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The
target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full
of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is
licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop,
he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4.
An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before
reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their
guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday
after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on
each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax
County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped... and hit the pavement! Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy was
scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three
young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and
wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that
their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand
gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet
into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective
seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two
buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake.
Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the
lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual
stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD,
LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the
boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH A man in
Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist
here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch
with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future
Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL
KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his
cell phone...more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he
walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the
next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A
LIGHT
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the
smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never
been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
RUNNER UP
A Vermont native,
Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring
the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St.
Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many
marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of"Crazy Glue"... the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so
he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly
placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo
for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of
the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware
of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around
the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the
rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had
just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.
Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During
Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of
small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck
were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo
caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be
captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to
take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino
diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr.
Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three
people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were
able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,"
said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the
power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course
they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the
troupe.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD
WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night
watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive
microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to
a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation
once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand
in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way
he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules
within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For
his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a
plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance
calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John
Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought
Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company
officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
DARWIN AWARD -
HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the
hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs
in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused
a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and
his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently
failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no
bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the
head, and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull
against [a town of] a thousand morons."